Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Anna's LiveJournal:

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Friday, August 13th, 2004
9:36 am	The rollercoaster continues... on the up this time! The day after posting my last journal entry I sat down in the bathroom (J was having a bath) and we got to what I thought was the bottom of a lot of this.. J got hammered on tequila and said stuff in a hazy drunken state I don't think he would be able to say sober (pride, etc..) and it seems to have been cathartic for him.. it certainly helped me understand what was at the bottom of all this.. and he can't remember any of it.. so it maybe should be left there. The consequence of this was a hectic day's packing for camp.. with me in control :-) Friday morning we set off early to pick Tom up and drove down to Birmingham to "Grandad Gordons" (J's Dad). Nannie Sue (J's Mom) came round after work too.. and we had a pleasant evening, all in all. The noteworthy part of the day really, was that in our packing chaos the day before, we had been to Halfords to buy the grill/rack bit of the roof rack that fits to the roof bars I had assembled and fitted to the car... and they didn't sell the bits we needed! We ended up driving down to Dad's with no roofrack, hoping we'd sort it out there.. meanwhile on the Friday my Dad was going to ring the warehouse and see if there was one he could get his hands on. As fate would play it... there had been a flood overnight in the parts warehouse at Ford and it was closed on Friday while they sorted that out! So... we went round to my Dad's and Scrapyard Challenge began!! In some ways, I'm lucky that my Dad hoards bits of metal and wood and things... I know it drives my Mom round the bend.. but it saved us £100 last week! So.. Dad took some measurements from the car and disappeared off to HomeBase to get some nuts and bolts. I went to bed wondered what "creation" would be appearing on the top of the car the next morning.. given my Dad's propensity for improvisation when it comes to engineering (read "cowboy"!!!) but to be fair he created a masterpiece that almost looks shop bought... certainly not as "custom-built" as I was expecting!!! He'd even spray painted the metal girders black to match the roof bars... I was well impressed.... but more importantly maybe, it did the job well... (on the way back from Swansea to Birmingham.. I drove a lot of it at 95 but it held secure.. possibly to do with the way I packed it as well! ;-)) So.. Saturday morning was another early start with almost constant statements from Tom which seemed to alternate between "We're going camping, aren't we?" and " We're going to the beach today, aren't we?", bless him. We got to my Dad's and packed up the tents on the roofrack and off we went, Tom, Grandad Gordon, Jamie and I, on our merry way to the Gower, near my (adopted) home town of Swansea. The weather was fair for pitching.. and I was glad of that as I was the only one really who could do much without direct supervision. J is not a camper... and has "half camped" a few times before.. and not enjoyed it much... Gordon has camped many times, but not for a long time.. and with his Parkinsons affecting his mobility... the jobs I could delegate to him were limited, although more wide-ranging than I had anticipated to be fair, and then we had Tom.. who was more of a distraction than a help really... but not too bad, compared to how he could have been, given he is only 4 years old and it was his first time camping, and also first big holiday without his Mam I think... Debra (Tom's Mam) rang every evening, but the first night... Tom had spoken to her before bedtime and was just jumping up and down in the field shouting/screaming "I'm so excited!" at her, it was soooo sweet!... and he was... we got maybe two hours sleep the first night... but he settled into the experinece well after that. Getting used to the noise of other people who hadn't yet retired for the night and the passing torches of people going to the toilet block, etc... were all taken as read after the first night. Sunday, the first full day, it rained most of the day and we got some shopping in and went to Tesco's Cafe for lunch.. and remained in the tent doing book and table-based activities with TOm.. Gordon was more than happy just to sit and read.. so that worked out OK. In the evening J, Tom and I went back to Swansea to meet up with Liz for dinner - Tug and Turbot as usual! Liz got on well with Tom and Jamie still got on well with Liz... and Liz and I sat and had a laugh over stuff... shared news, gossip and updates on things... she had just got back from Lundy the night before and so was full of stories about that. Also in the middle of moving house.... and omg.. I smiled the smile of irony when she told me where she'd bought this new house.... Penlan!!! Maybe coming to visit Ceri and I up the top made her realise the area isn't actually as bad as its reputation!! Somewhat spitefully, I imagined the awkwardness Sean (Ceri's twin brother, my brother-in-law) is going to feel every time he goes to visit his Mom, serves him right for his uppityness!! He hated coming to see Ceri when we lived in Penlan cos he thought it was beneath him to enter such an area.. plus the fact he was shit-scared he was going to get the crap kicked out of him! Anyway, that made me smile.... Also, we dropped Liz off home and it gave me a chance to drive past my flat and have a look to see if they had rented it out again yet.. to which the answer is no... my flat is still lying empty waiting for me to move back in... but I don't yearn to move back there like I used to.. I noticed as I drove to where I used to park... the emotional pain wasn't there like it used to be when I came back to have a look.... the flowers are still there and the Montbretia is flowering nicely, adding a spot of bright colour to the otherwise drab and dingy estate... Terry still has his windows all boarded up so the kids can't throw stones through the windows at him - what a way of life!!!.... and yet I still miss it... strange.. isn't it? Monday, the second day was glorious sunshine... so we slip slap slopped and headed all of the 150 yards to the beach (about 150m to the younger readers).. literally just the other side of the field we were camping in. Had a morning of great fun as the waves we quite powerful and strong (big? I don't know the word to describe large waves that have a high amplitude and knock you off your feet as they crash past over your head as you stand there in the sea up to your waist!).. and came back for lunch. The ubiquitous Marmite sandwiches! After lunch, we walked up the hill behind the campsite and sat on top of the cliffs for a while looking out to sea... the walk down was a bit of a nature trail as well, as we saw lots of differently coloured butterflies.. and looked at the rabbit holes ... and ended up at the shop for ice cream. Tuesday, we drove to Swansea and met up with Jill and her two boys, Sam and Joe, in Cwmdonkin Park.. Jenny arrived a bit later too with Sam and Seren.. Seren now being three and the last time I had seen her she was barely walking! Again, the weather was hot and sunny, and between us we had brought picnics, football goals, cricket set, frisbee, blankets, and there is a playground there too... so we were all kept entertained for several hours and I had a chance to catch up a little with Jill. I think she misses me even more than I miss her... it's not until you move away from somewhere that you realise how strong a bond between friends has become.. how much you took it for granted... I know she always feels I gave her more than I got out of the friendship but it just isn't true... it really was a meeting of kindred spirits in many ways, and sharing time with her was/is more valuable than any financial loos or gain or "effort" I put in to babysit or whatever.. I enjoyed it. Tuesday night onwards will have to wait for the next entry as I have had enough of storytelling for now.... but needless to say, camping requires teamwork, and we all pulled together successfully, with no arguments of whether I was in charge or not.. I just got on with it and they helped as and when.. and I left them to arrange the activities, given a choice each morning. Through all of this.. I think Jamie forgot the previous week's troubles... and in the process of us all pulling together as a team, we sorted ourselves out a lot too... camping somehow gives you space to do things like that.. possibly cos I feel less pressured time wise in a field than in a house.. God knows why.. it's just the way it is.. I was meant to live outdoors, I am sure of it... but anyway, J and I are now stronger than we were previous to the recent upset in terms of bond and permanence, which can only be a good thing! And I have almost completed a full conversion of two people to the "camping holiday experience!" Woo hoo.... Current Mood: happy (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 3rd, 2004
6:31 pm	Fully Recovered From A Week On Guide Camp Nearly anyway... I was ridiculously stiff when I got back after sleeping a night in a real bed again. And sleeping next to Jamie... the combination of being in a house again (central heating etc) _and_ having someone under the covers with me (human radiatior) was so stifling... toppped by Jamie having closed all the windows whilst I was away and not reopening them... I woke up the next morning in a puddle of sweat. Anyway.. rucksack is unpacked and things are washed... house is nearly clean and tidy again... I now have two days to sort out the stuff we need for next week's camp with the family.. not least, a tent!! I had an awful few days with Jamie before I left.. culminating in me crying and saying I couldn't bend any more to compromise... Of course, I then went on camp and actually got homesick for the second time in my life.. four days away was fine.. but after that, I just wanted to go home back to "my space"... and whilst I was away, Jamie had a load of space to peruse over the previous week's events... topped off by two nights visiting his "mistress" for want of a better word, who had booked herself into a hotel near where he was staying with a friend in Birmingham. Anyway.. (took a break.. it's now 20:35) Have just read Jamie's Yahoo Messenger History to see what he has been saying about me.. to his friends There are inconsistencies in what he is saying to me.. I don't know whether he's lying or confused or I'm paranoid about it or not... but something doesn't add up and I thought I might find a few more pieces to the jigsaw puzzle of the bits he isn't telling me. From what I have read, although I can't be certain... it looks like Jamie has made up his mind to ask me to leave. It's going to be awkward to live with him in the interim until he asks, knowing that is on the cards... but I suppose the least I can do is be prepared and keep an eye out for cheap places to rent.... no.. I'm lying.. it fucking hurts.. it really hurts.. deep down.. but it's not a part of me that I can access emotionally... I just get messages like post-it notes in my head that come from that bit of me. I have no idea what I am going to do. I can't afford to live by myself, I have too much stuff to house share... I've just got myself a job starting in September.. until March I was reasonably financially stable and if he asks me to leave now, fuck, I am in the shit big time... I just can't believe someone would ask you to give up your job, uproot halfway across the country, semi-support you financially for 4 months leave you penniless (having spent a load of money on general shopping and things for the flat etc...)and ask you to leave... I mean .. I know Jamie would give me money if I made a fuss about it.. but that's not the point really... it's just that I gave up a comfortable life to take a risk and he doesn't seem in the slightest bit committed to making it work.. although he says he is... He says he isn't going to see Sarah again cos he can't cope with it.. and doesn't think she can, then arranges to see her for two days.. she stays in this hotel.. whilst I am away.. yet when I am here.. contact between them is minimal... she won't meet me.. and it all just smacks of deceit somewhere I can't quite put my hands on.. I don't think Jamie is lying to me exactly.. but he isn't volunteering the truth either... I have to ask the questions before he will admit anything.. it all just seems a bit strange. Then he keeps stressing me needing to leave isn't about Sarah... almost too much.. but I don't think I'd feel comfortable in any case about that.. whether he said nothing or as much as he does. He keeps telling me all the time about how much he loves me and he is sorry and last night.. that he was committed.. but earlier yesterday evening he said that when we split up he might well end up with Sarah... I don't know.. something doesn't add up... that isn't me being paranoid... but it isn't helping me to keep it at bay by any means... Fuck the lot of them.. I really get fed up of life sometimes... I should know by now not to let people get close to me, I thought I could trust Jamie cos I'd known him so long... what kind of blind sense is that?. This is going to be so much messier than it was with Ceri.. I can just feel it.. cos the bond between us is so much stronger to cut apart. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, July 23rd, 2004
8:57 pm	Turbulence It's beginning to wane.. Today I felt more like myself.. still angry .. but definitely more like myself. I was expecting to have most of the day to myself, as Jamie was going in to work, but it didn't happen as he came home by 11am.. but it was enough to put some groundwork down. Then, after I had finshed making a mountain of carrot cake, I went out to discover some of Beamish Burn.. although I think I missed the bit I had been told about.. but nevertheless, a pleasant stroll through the woods, and over a golf course. To my surprise, Jamie decided he might come too. Suprising because he dislikes going out of the house unless he has to, to name but one reason... but he seemed to well... not enjoy it exactly.. but he said he liked it. We ended up at a pub called the Shepherd and Shepherdess.. and had dinner there, which was really nice.. although if I had known.. I would have taken a pack of cards and made a couple of hours of it.. but mmm.. I had sea bass.. it was nice. So.. tomorrow I go off to camp... I'm pretty much packed. I have to pack toiletries yet, and pen, paper etc.. stuff for my daysack. I spent most of the evening preparing some sheets about culture.. just searching the net for some pictures to use, really. Love is a very strange thing... I have been wondering these last few days 1) if you can have love without respect... 2) why do you lose respect for people? and 3) If you lose it, how do you get it back... usual big questions for background churning really... (for me) Conclusions so far are along the lines of 1) No.. but ghosts of how you used to feel remain strong sometimes and these can be confusing... but answering 3), I think holding on to those ghosts can help you to build it back up.. remembering what it was in the first place that you liked, admired and respected about them.. I suppose it focuses you. I don't think I ever love anyone because of what they do... it's usually more just a case of knowing them well enough, I seem to love a person as a whole, rather than particular things about them. as for 2) well.. many reasons I suppose.. betrayal, unacceptable behaviour (towards anyone.. not just yourself), if you're regularly treated without respect and communication becomes difficult.. if must wear it down... I don't know really.. My weekend in Uffington shocked me greatly.. not whilst I was there... but when I got back.. I realised I "put on a face" to come home... it wasn't really me.. I don't know really what to do about that.. there are several options I've been considering .. I tried one of them out today... and it kind of works as far as self-preservation is concerned, but I'm not sure it's worth the cost... life is all about equilibriums and balance and well... I always did like playing on the see-saw at the playground. Aaah.. an oscillatory infinite sequence that has no eventual convergenge.. but nor does it diverge. (0,1,0,1,0,1,0,1,0,1,0,1,0,1,...) for exmple. Right.. no more to write just now.. I have to go and finish packing. Current Mood: melancholy (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, July 22nd, 2004
6:50 pm	Man, I am pissed off... you know when something sets you off and then you almost lose track of what it was cos everything seems to add to it? Yeah.. it's like that. It's taking most of my energy at the moment not to explode in a ball of raging fury.. On a cheerier note, I've only got one more day until I go on Guide camp.. and then I'll be back in my element and too busy to worry about it.. nearly packed.. which is remarkably organised for me.. all my things neatly in piles on Tom's bed.. ready to go in my rucksack, although I need to go and buy some string to tie my bedding roll with. Current Mood: pissed off (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, July 17th, 2004
10:38 am	Good news for a change Ahhh.. sometimes I can really identify with Morissey! Anyway, yesterday I had an interview for a job, and got it. And Jamie was also given a term's contract as a Head Of Department, where they will be interviewing for the permanent post next term... (so he stands a fair chance of getting that!) Today, having had an amazingly good sleep, I am off down to Uffington for a PARTY! Yay! Duncan is 30 this weekend, and all the usual madness will ensue, I am sure, as always happens when a certain number of "us lot" get together..... it's like there is a threshold between a surreal good time, and complete hysterically funny madness! So, I am looking forward to it! What else... J and I still getting on fine... I have moments of awareness when I feel like it is only temporary still, but I don't know... it's so long-term I can't see the end, so I'm not that worried as I can see a far way with things like that. Yeah, this job, I'll be working as a 'data and examinations officer' for a RC comprehensive school.. which is great, cos I subliminally get to evangelise as well! (By example, rather than the direct in your face method). Seems like a fairly good school, they have a Sixth Form, known as a senior college. So yeah, term time only... doing pretty much what I was doing at Powergen, only with people's exam results and academic achievements, rather than big companies' electricity consumption. Oooh, and I also get to "lead and manage a team of invigilators"... so I get my first shot at management experience, (of people, in the workplace), in small doses at a time, so I can build up gradually... It's perfect! Although I will only be working term-times (so I get the school hols off!!!! YAYY!!), it's about the same salary as I was getting at Powergen, so finances will no longer be a strain, and Jamie will no longer have to subsidise my cost of living.. which although we had agreed on was OK for the short-term... and to be fair, I did do the housework and cooking and that... so yeah.. I now have six weeks to get everything organised in the house so that come Sept when we are both working, tidying etc will be an efficient process, and things will have a place to live.. and how to split the housework between us.. as there are some things Jamie doesn't/won't/can't do... and there are some things I wouldn't trust him to do a good job of.. and there are some things I loathe doing.... so it looks like my days of washing up are over Hehehe! Or at least in the main... cos that's the one thing I hate most. Right, well, I am off to get dressed (sitting here post-bathing, swathed in towels). Then I have to get my tent from the shed and I will be off... it's a long drive.... I haven't done a long journey since Easter... that's ages ago... me and my road trips... should be fun! Current Mood: optimistic (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, July 3rd, 2004
7:46 pm	Summer fetes in the rain - It's a British thing! What is it about us Brits then? It was raining really hard today .. thunder and lightning and the lot... rivers down the road and all... and still the church fete went ahead.. just _inside_ the hall.. rather than spilling out onto the garden. Unfortunately, the bouncy castle had to be cancelled as did the "pluck a duck and the score a goal football game.. as there was no space to have them in the hall along with everything else! I took Tom along and Jamie lk,mjnbgvfggfgvdbgvghbohlkkyymkgfkittioktirfjrrki484#glrkeffv frgyewtewydytggufdfghjklllllllllpoiuytrewqasdfghjkl;'zxcvbnm,./i jgfrhugfrg75tgf756tmnbkhpjgtjhg]kphjtgtjhtjgytjmnjyjioynhmlku6jjihhnyjku.tyj.yplthk0u65j9y5kykgguiiuyorjfjrir gfmgomgtgbmrmrthrbm]frjynhytnuhy6hu9hynjgyfehiryhhuighbgkmgb mmugniupjtggji[gh trjgjhgoymo[[hhyoi[mymkhmmkhmkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk njvhfbrwbnhjbgrbgrgfbrrvefbrfbebhugofbu bhevbfbvghvfbhbvb fbubhrbjhbhhbdlkgtknjgrjn4tgokjgrgrjtjgjgrjrjrglkjrtkn;ltrjtrjt4jkjkrjktrrtjlt4 tom4 (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 30th, 2004
8:21 pm	Sick as a parrot Man, for the last three days, I have had a flu bug.. and I have felt soooo ill. Yesterday, J was away for the night and I thought I was going to die.. I didn't even have the energy to get up and get a glass of water! I hate that.. that is one of the things I don't miss about living on your own.. when you're ill there is no-one to bring you cups of tea and glasses of water, sick buckets, etc.... then again ... there isn't anyone trying to force feed you pints of brine and handing you pink flannels that are oh so confusing at such times!!!! (You know who you are!) Anyway.. although I still feel rough.. I am better than yesterday and so hoping to be over the worst of it and properly back on my feet tomorrow.. if not at full speed. I have two appointments to make tomorrow evening anyway... so I have to be back up and doing stuff. My last entry was pretty depressing stuff, to be fair... full of the evidence of "real" sin.. listening to and believing all the lies you tell yourself that you aren't good enough etc... Well, Jo Everitt .. my best mate from Birmingham (once my bridesmaid!) came up to stay for the weekend .. it was her birthday .. and she, J and I went out to Cuba Cuba for a merry night out.. and Jo copped off with this guy who'd been standing next to us all night and up til past midnight they had successfully managed to ignore each other... I don't know it it sparked off eventually as I was off on the dance floor, lost in the music (very angry I was, that night) as usual. So.. supposedly... copping off with this bloke made her night... and she is coming up again next weekend to stay with us .. (really to see this lad again - Will) but hey.. I ain't complaining if it means I get to see more of Jo... she's lovely. The by product of Jo coming up to stay was that it got me out of a rut.. quite expertly really.. given how deep the rut was... and then on the Monday I started at my new Brownie and Guide units... which was OK... Brownies was a bit of a shock as it is very different to Guides and I have never worked with that age group before.. but I spent Saturday afternoon with them on a district fun day and we had a wail of a time. Also then, on Sunday, I tried another church someone had recommended to me... C of E, small village... well remains of a village... most of the congregation live outside the parish as there are only about ten houses in the parish. It has a very similar feel to Uffington about it.. that tight-knit village community... so I think I will fit right in. The vicar's first sermon was on how they need to set up a youth work strategy and do something proactive for the 11-18 age range.. across the deanery/diocese.. and I thought "Yes!!" this is the Holy Spirit leading me to my calling again.... I can't explain it.. of all the skills I have.. it's not the most obvious one that smacks you in the face... but time and time again I am overwhelmed by the opportunities to serve... I pray that the Spirit will lead me to where I can best be of help and here we go again with youth work... So.. along that vein... I rescanned the jobs paper and the ones I had highlighted that I thought I was in with a good chance of getting and three stood out at me... stuff I haven't considered applying for for as long time.. not since I went for the job at the EBD unit in Erdington. These jobs are term time only as well... which would fit in ideally with J's schedule... But.. we will see.... we will see Current Mood: sick (Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 15th, 2004
1:42 pm	When the foundations prove shaky Man, I can't believe I am thirty and I still can't cry in front of people... why? Why is it such a thing to be ashamed of? Guilt? You feel like you're being self-piteous? (Is that a word? - Should be!) Last night was one of those occasions where being as blunt as possible is like Death's scythe.. so sharp and deadly, it can slice light. You finally get to the point where you grow up and let go of everything you had always hoped for, the dreams that have been there since childhood. You realise you've been kidding yourself for the last 22 years and actually you are nowhere near good enough (in my case, I am talking about my lifelong ambition to be a maths lecturer). Man.. it hurts to let that go.. it really cuts deep. It's like there isn't anything else ... I know that will pass... but it's the kind of thing ( in those so inclined) that makes you want to stop. Get off the world. "I don't want to play anymore". I've lost my ability to feel.. I hate it... I mean. J brought me home a copy of Viz last night, for instance, and I read some of it... the letters page.. and it still makes me laugh physically.. but I can't feel the laughter in my head anymore.. it's like I am faking it.. or like by body is just on autopilot and I have nothing to do with what's going on. All these skills I have.. and some of them I am damn good at.. to be fair.. they're all completely useless and redundant in modern Western society. It's like I am a dud. Ed in the Kopy Shop always used to joke about my propensity for dating/hooking up with "duds" as he called them.. maybe that's why? Fuck, I hate being like this cos it's horrible for everyone else... I can feel myself snapping at J for all the little things that are irritating me.. but unfairly, as they are things I have agreed to deal with and so.. as he says.. you "put up and shut up" .. It's extremely hard to live with someone whose lifestyle gives the impression that they have never known financial hardship.. whilst I am here counting pennies. Again, there is the guilt, of being a burden.. Of limiting someone's lifestyle in a way they are not accustomed to. I don't know... Maybe I should take his advice and declare bankruptcy.. it just seems so dishonourable.. I gave my word when I signed those documents I would pay it back... I don't know whether I am compromising or suppressing or what.. I don't really know what is going on any more... but it feels as if me.. the real me isn't here anymore.. like there's nothing left.. Yeah well.. that's my LJ entry for the time being. Current Mood: sad (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 8th, 2004
9:34 am	I'm back! :-) I haven't updated this for ages.. which is a bit remiss of me.. I know.. but here goes So what have I been up to? Well, I had a dodgy few weeks in May.. was beginning to lose it a bit.. but managed to keep a grip. It did however, spur me into action to do something about being quite so isolated up here.. I finally got round to registerig with a GP and have got the ball rolling setting up a support team with the mental health services... also.. I am in the process of being placed with a local Guide unit.. the District Comissioner is currently finding a unit that most needs the help. J and I are fine.. it's still really fresh.. although settled.. I think it might always be like how it is now.. the intensity from when I first moved in has died down in terms of a sense of urgency.. but the depth of it is still there... I think J is knowing me more and more.. and apparently I am very predictable.. LOL... D and J had a bit of an upset... but that seems to be smoothing over again now.. as much as it ever will I suppose. There is a lot of hurt that seems to be supressed going on there.. and every now and then it comes to the surface and lashes out and as an observer.. it's like you can feel the tension winding up before it snaps and lashes out. Luckily, T seems to be OK and the upsets are only temporary for him.. but then I supose you never know do you .. what's going on inside someone else's head.. let alone that of a child. My skills and expertise in the field of camping have been called upon and I am now booked for two week's of camping this summer... one with my old Guide unit from Birmingham, which is going to be great for two reasons.. 1) we have acquired some funding which means it will be almost free (pay for food) and 2) it's a huge international camp (in UK) .. so there'll be LOADS to do and experience.. and I'll be able to try my hand at speaking French and Spanish for the first time in absolutely ages.... French I reckon I might just cope with... Spanish.. I am going to struggle! ;-) The other week is going to be a family camp with J and T on the Gower, next to my home town of dear old Swansea. All those lovely beaches... and I am hoping that Jill and her boys will come down for a day on the beach with us.. and maybe Karon and Aaron will come if I can get her out of the house... or maybe just take Aaron.. although he is growing up these days and maybe feel he is too old for such things now... He'll be twelve this year I think.. It's hard to believe it's five years since I met Karon and that first summer when he was still a reasonably young and innocent and giggly seven year old that was nuts on Pokemon! Time seems to fly so fast.. the weeks up here just fly by and all of a sudden it seems that six weeks have gone and J is on holiday again.. I'll turn round and be 40 before I know it at this rate.. but to be fair.. I can say I am thoroughly enjoying the journey.. It would be nice though if I could find suitable work. I did a job for a week as a temp doing data entry on tax return forms.. the work was mundane .. I knew it would be.. I was expecting that... but the atmosphere was like something out of Metropolis or 1984 or something... God, it was dire.. I've never experienced anything like that before... It was how I imagined schoolrooms in Jane Eyre! Anyway.. I left after a week... it was making me so grotty and I was really struggling to share the housework as I was too shattered to split it.. to shattered to do it all.. and J has no sense of initiative when it comes to these things.. so nothing was getting done properly and it felt like I was living in a pigsty which really got me down... Anyway, I am off to Tesco to get a few bits ... we need milk.... I want a cup of tea! Never mind.. black coffee will do 'til I get back ;-) See you again soon, A. Current Mood: creative (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, April 29th, 2004
1:19 pm	I might have a job soon! Event it says... well.. it's more like non-event really... I was 30 yesterday. "I can't believe you are half-way to pension age" said my lovely younest brothers in their birthday card! Kind of brings it home and makes you wonder what you're supposed to be doing with your life! I rather like kind of drifting along .. having no particluar aim in life.. other than to live and enjoy.. I spent so long not enjoying living that it is still rather a novelty to me that it can all be so much fun. Actually it was nice. It been a long, long time since I haven't celebrated by birthday with going out with all my mates or having them all round for a dinner and/or party. This year, with everyone living so far away.. it wasn't really an option.. so the huge ceiledh I had been planning to put on this time last year has now been postponed to my 40th (assuming I get there! ;-) ) Jamie came home from work with Tom and I had bought some rabbit in the market specially.. so we had rabbit casserole and Jamie and Tom cleared away the plates and arrived back with a raspberry cheesecake with candles in and Tom singing 'Happy Birthday' to me. Quite touching really. It made me realise that maybe this was waht I was doing with my life.. being part of a family. I've had two job interviews (so far!) this week - both went well and will lead to further interviews.. one as data entry for Inland Revenue.. one as an admin asst for a local CAD-oriented company. Strangely .. the data entry job pays better than the admin asst.. is marginally closer.. and is long-term temping, so I could theoretically opt out if I find "the perfect job" and want to move on.. and also the hours are 7:30am - 3:30am.. so it would fit in better with J's working week... We have started discussing who's gonna take on what roles housework wise when I start work.. which is kind of weird.. cos whilst I am a child of this generation and understand on a logical level it is fair to split it etc.. emotionally and deep down I was brought up in my family with values from 1930's.. so the concept of a man doing housework is kind of odd... I can just about cope with the washing-up being done by Jamie.. but yeah... I am sure I will adjust.. It just kind of feels like I am failing to give my best if he needs to do some of it.. bloody parental indoctrination... What else? Jo, my best mate from Birmingham, (she was my bridesmaid once upon a time!) sent me a parcel which I received this morning... I unwrapped it to find a hardback copy of "Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone".. which I thought was odd.. as she knows I already have it in paperback... I flicked open and read half a page before I realised it was in Welsh!! So actually.. what I have is a hardback copy of "Harri Potter a Maen yr Athronydd".. Man It is cool... I couldn't believe it.. I was slightly crest-fallen at the prospect of reading the whole thing.. my Welsh is so rusty these days cos I never get the chance to use it much.. so yeah, that will be good practice for me. I read some out loud on the back step earlier whilst having a tab.. and I was amazed to hear how strong my accent still is.. I'd have thought somehow with living in Swansea.. the whole South Wales accent thing would have filtered into my spoken Welsh.. but NOOOO .. I still sound like a true Gog! I even still have that Angelsey twinge to it too!.. Bless Richard Jones, my first Welsh tutor at nightschool (for 4 years).. if it wasn't for him I wouldn't be speaking the language properly at all... What I can't quite understand is how I got the Anglesey accent though... he was from Portmadog.. his wife was from Anglesey... but I only ever met her once for 5 minutes! I dunno... Aaah the glories of the fishnet... the bloke who I bought my mising B book from off of amazon marketplace has emailed me today.. saying he was in Ireland on hols.. and I could have either a full refund or he would post it out today.. I chose (giving him the benefit of the doubt) to have it despatched.. so it should be here tomorrow as it is only coming from York. He has a .ac.uk email account... so it is possible I suppose that either York uni don't give web access to their uni email accounts.. or he hasn't got that much of a tchnical handle on things... Right.. well, I am off to get redressed (what I am wearing is not appropriate to go out in in this weather (T-shirt and shorts!)) as I have need to go to Tescos and get some shopping in... and then I am going to go and cook Mexicana style for the evening... What simple pleasures I get from life eh? If only it was all this simple! Current Mood: creative (Comment on this)
12:42 pm	Myers Briggs Jung Personality Test I've just done this for the first time in years at the invitation of a friend... ENTP - "Inventor". Enthusiastic interest in everything and always sensitive to possibilities. Non-conformist and innovative. 3.2% of the total population. Take Free Myers-Briggs Personality Test Har ha har har har! Kind of accurate. Will update more on recent happenings very shortly (ie. later today sometime!) (Comment on this)
Friday, April 23rd, 2004
9:07 am	I've been away for a while... Right.. Jamie is on Easter holidays.. so I have been away for nearly two weeks.. spent a week on a whirlwind trip of the UK trying to visit everyone in too short a time.. and then 5 days with Tom at the paternal grandparents in Perry Barr/Great Barr, Birmingham. I got back Wednesday afternoon and promptly went to sleep for 15 hours. It was exhausting.. the second week.. staying in Birmingham with Jamie's Dad, Gordon. I am not used to having Tom around for that length of time in one constant go.. and mentally I was constantly being challenged by Gordon with little mathematical problems... and come bedtime.. J seemed really up for it most nights... so.. given I was tidying up after 3 people .. I worked my arse off and came back knackered. ;-) I should point out for those who don't know me well enough, or have somehow forgotten.. the tidying thing wasn't expected of me.. I just can't leave it, so it has to be done for my peace of mind.. and no-one else was going to! It was nice though... all apart from the fact that my Mom has kicked off again being weird with me.. which has knocked me off balance a bit (mentally)... I was verging on psychosis last night at some points but have managed to control it so far... I need to register with a GP methinks. ;-) More about that maybe in a later LJ entry? Yeah, last night, Jamie was really sad that he wasn't able to help cheer me up all day.. so I finally got round to dying my hair back to a reasonably sensible colour (blue black... shines indigo in the light - gorgeous!) and he said after.. come on.. get dressed .. we're going out for a ride in the car.. I didn't know where we were going... but as he drove North up the A1, I had this horrible overwhelming fear that he was driving me to some psychiatric unit miles out in the country so I couldn't run back home to him when he left me there. If he had stopped in a layby I would have made a run for it.. I am sure... God knows where... As it happened, he wanted to drive up North a bit into the countryside where there was less light pollution. His plan in his head was to find a village fish and chip shop.. buy a pizza and go find a lane to park in and lie on the bonnet looking up at the stars.. eating pizza.. which is quite sweet.. but also quite a give away that he has no concept of village life... fish and chip shop in a village indeed! Anyway.. we foiund one in Morpeth.. which was a nice town.. and sat in the town market square eating pie and chips at midnight... which was quite intimate in one of those "this is just the two of us doinbg something mad and spontaneous" kind of ways. The week before Birmingham was peculiar for many reasons.. I spent an extended time away (2.5 days) from Jamie for the first time since I moved here.. On the Monday I went to see Zara and Dan and friends in Oxford and ended up staying over cos I fell asleep on Dan's sofa after we'd all had Chinese.. and then I just couldn't wake up properly enough to drive home so I crashed there for the night... (was supposed to be staying at M&D's house). Tuesday I met up with Joe and Jonny for that evening at Wolfson (Jon's Oxford College) going through Joe's dissertation that was due in on the Friday, so he was in the culminating panic that comes when tidying up the ends of a three year project with a fast approaching deadline. Joe was being typically Joe about it.. panicking it wasn't good enough to pass.. when it was more than good enough to get a distinction in a Masters' degree! He only needs 40% in his dissertation to get a first anyway .. cos his average is so high (somewhere around 82%). He's a clever boy.. and it was nice to see him again.. and I liked being useful to him as he found my prescence strangely calming as always. I think also .. having the focus of the dissertation .. we weren't drawn into areas of interaction I would have felt ambivalent about... I have gone so long without a "bad turn".. (apart from a minor one last year that was controlled without intervention from the mental health team) just the fact that I could feel it building up and coming on was upsetting in itself cos I truly believed it was gone for good... I don't know.. maybe Dr Gibbs was right and I just can't see it... It is different to how it used to be though.. it might not have gone.. but it is certainly very different ... it is like a different illness... the warning signs are different .. and I am having to learn a whole new set of warning signals... and once it comes on.. it doesn't take me over completely.. and it isn't consistently there... it is intermittent.. I can almost rationalise myself out of it... keep a grip on it.. and I couldn't do that before.. there is this awareness that something is wrong and I need to sort it out... I never used to have that... Unfortunately .. I still get the morbid fear of admission and them "throwing away the key" as it were... I'm still very reluctant to speak about what is actually going on for the most part.. until a "session" of losing it has passed... The other thing that is hugely different.. no there are two more big things... One is that it isn't distinct voices anymore... just random thoughts that appear in my head and I can't get rid of them and they grow and fester and get bigger and bigger til I can't handle them or move them out of the way and they take up everything... (like rolling a snowball around in the snow to make a huge snowman!) I can still tell which voice would have said it in the old days.. cos the thoughts still have the distinct personalities stamped across them... but I am mostly (mostly!) aware that they are internal thoughts and not implanted externally... as was previously the case. Big thing number two is that when I am in the low bit of knowing it is all going bad again.. and there ain't an awful lot I can do to stop it ... when I am not in the throes of some delusional conversation or whatever... In the old days.. I would have been planning to kill myself .. thoroughly believing it was the best for everyone... kind of like Euthanasia and permanent respite for my carers.. if this was always going to happen... everytime I sort myself out nice.. it all seems to fall apart in my head and other people have to come in and put me back together.. which can take a lot of effort and time for health carers (for which I am eternally grateful) but can also be extremely painful for relatives and loved ones to watch.. (especially for the first few times... I think my parents are kind of getting used to it now in the sense that they understand the cycle and know it will come right again given time...) But yeah... now I don't have the "Back-up plan to everything : Suicide" option enabled... infact.. I don't even think I still have a switch for it ... I just get frustrated and feel well.. frustrated .. really.... probably similar to old ladies who can't walk and don't like asking for help... it's the loss of independence.. accepting that is a hard thing to do.. and yet none of us are truly independent... well... very few of us (we weren't built that way genetically .. so if you really are built that way.. you're likely to be a dud!) Jesus spoke of humility.. and letting go of pride that gets in the way of being able to live your life... Anita.. my social worker once said in one of our many conversations.. that the turning point was when you could see more positive in life than negative... I on'y used to look at the burden I was to people in the bad bits.. without ever considering what I did for/with people when I was well ... the longer bits... and I had forgotten that ratio wise.. it was about 1:5 .. the ratio of time I spent ill compared to well.. (which in fairness is now more like 1:8). Keeping it all in perspective, comparing it to someone else worse off.. you realise that it's just an illness .. you know... I'll survive... it can be shitty... but to be fair .. I don't half do some of my best work as I come out of the other side of a down or an active phase. So.. all things considered... it the time ahead is to be difficult... let's hope the productivity shortly after makes it all worthwhile, eh? Meanwhile, Jamie was staying with his best mate Jonathan (I am the only non-family person he has known longer) and got to train to Oxford Weds lunchtime whereupon we drove down to Swansea to stay at the Holiday Inn for a couple of nights. Mmmm luxurious bliss... I have never stayed in a hotel like that before (other than my wedding night.. which I don't think counts) it was so posh.. I had specifically asked for a room on the top floor and we got 708, on the top floor.. looking out over Port Talbot, and the infamous Barons! The plan had been to take Jamie out to experience Barons but we ended up having a bath for a couple of hours instead.. which was amazing.. and I reckon a hundred quid spent on the new house getting a big bath put in would be a worthwhile investment! :-) Anyway.. got out of the bath.. and then it was just gone midnight.. J was feeling peckish.. so we'd missed out on Barons but went on to the next bit of the evening's plan anyway - The CUP OF TEA SHOP! Yay.. he loved it... and Dulcie was there.. so we had a chat and I told her what everyone was up to Joe, Zara, Ceri, Hadrian, etc.. She said Ceri didn't ever go there anymore.. but I don't think it is the kind of place that Jo would frequent anyway! LOL She isn't as "rough and ready" as me.... more like a refined viper with malicious sneaky stings! Current Mood: calm (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 6th, 2004
10:24 pm	Walking aimlessly.. Given the right music .. this can be very cathartic.. but fuck me.. why on Earth do they lock the park gates at dusk and put a huge fence up round it that is ermmm... ungainly to climb over in a skrt and tights? Anyway.. feeling a bit better now.. still got loads of internal crap going on. but I suppose it is better brought to the surface so I can attempt to resolve it.. or at least some of t and mark the rest mentally as requiring attention. Yeah, most of it is just me... not all of it I don't think.. but most of it... I need to find somewhere I can go to scream I think... as loud as I want ... that will help... (note the park gates comment above ;-) ) Choosing the right music to accompany you as you walk is also obviously very important... Anyway... tomorrow J is at home, but he might go back to school in the afternoon, after the CSA have made their visit. I have several things to do before we leave on Sunday.. I need to get organised about when I am going to do what as I won't have time to faff about like I like to, if I want to get all of it done.. and ideally I'd like to have a job to start when I come back.. so that is Thursday sorted ... hmmm... oh shit.. which also means updating my CV with all the Powergen stuff. *huge grin of dread* .. Is that a grimace? I don't know.. sometimes I have painful insight into how poor my command of English.. what is supposed to be my mother tongue, is! Night. Current Mood: lonely (1 Comment |Comment on this)
9:16 pm	Somewhere between Waaaahhhhh! and Grrrrrr! Fuck me, I don't know how I feel... somewhere between frustrated confused and very angry.. betrayed maybe? I really hate it when people say they are sincere with you and then you find out that actually they are not.. My mates all know that I value honesty above all things.. (perhaps too much so, some might say!) After everything that happened with Ceri, this is an especially sore point, so the hardest bit is not knowing how much of it is me reacting to the experience, and how much is overeaction because of the Ceri influence on my life... How can you trust someone implicitly if they are guarded with you? Fuck, I know it's me.. I know in this respect I am the one with the problem, but I honestly have no idea how to go aout resolving this, as ha ha ha .. to top it all off... I've been told I can't discuss it... "because I don't like to disagree with you".... For fuck's sake.. man... can you imagine the huge gaping cracks that will appear if you aren;t allowed to do minor repair work and maintenance as time goes on... soooo unrealistic. At this moment in time, I am regretting moving here, regretting gambling quite so much.. at any rate... but there you go.. I don't learn, I will always be impulsive.. because at the end of the day it is so much a part of who I am and I don't really want that to change on quite such a fundamental level.. My impulsivity, although granted, can get me in a fair amount of trouble, is what keeps life fresh and alive and fun for me.. every day is the opportunity to do or learn something new.. to find something new to wonder and marvel at. But this.. hmmm... Is there ever any way to *really* weigh up the pros and cons of a decision.. to know what effects the consequences will have until you have made a decision and actually tested your weight on something? I think not (but that is only my opinion). God I really am angry... it's all inflective and in danger of becoming recursive as well.... cos there is nowhere to express it really.. not in any effective way.. If it had been an hour earlier I would have gone swimming... and beat hell out of myself physically til it had dissipated to tolerable levels... THe not being able to release is the frustrating bit.. and the confusing bit is just not seeing a way of resolution next time this happens ... it's like dead end circular logic where no matter which way you go you hit a dead end.. always the same one.. otherwise known as Catch 22 , I do believe ;-) ... And as for betrayal.. well... that I ranted about at the beginning.. I'm not saying it *is* betrayal.. just saying it feels like it.. cos I suppose if I look back, nothing was ever explicitly agreed, I had been working on an assumption that obviously wasn't the case. Sometimes I wonder how I could possibly get humanity so wrong... am I a different species or something? How come my primary motivating factors are so different from the rest of the population give or take a negligable minority? Hoping to have clamed down by morning somehow... I'm certainly not looking forward to bedtime and the proximity of J whilst I feel like this. A.xx Current Mood: aggravated (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 1st, 2004
3:47 pm	My Home! A community about my home! I still get homesick about the demise of the Zone.. Then again.. for three years, I did practically live there three days a week (four when Danse Macabre was on!) How come we couldn't vote for Danse Macabre on the poll eh? Good old TUesdays with the cut up bin bag bunting was my fave by far.... I dread to think .. looking back, what my reputation was like at that place after the last year when Joey had moved away! (4 Comments |Comment on this)
3:44 pm	*phew* I just made scones.. for the first time since HE lessons at school.. which was oohhh .. maybe 17 years ago or so? Some batches turned out more successful than others... I am not the best at keeping a close eye on time, as people who know me are well aware... and some are looking a little on the "barbequed" side.. LOL Oh well, if you don't try and practise these things... you don't learn and improve... The things Jamie is going to have to put up with over the years... bless him.. and he doesn't sem to complain at all.. Big realisations I have had over the last week are: 1) I am not a Christian after all... I no longer desire to be linked with what the wor Christian means... I mean, that desire faded long ago.. years back, but I always thought that "conventional Christians" and the likes of me could walk side by side unde the banner of Christ's teachings.. which to me is what Christianity is... Whilst looking for a church to join here, I have gradually come to realise why I can't find one Iam comfortable with.. I don't see Christ as a God, I never did, I just accepted his wisdom and teachings as a way to get close to God, he was a prophet of God, I have no doubt of that, but so were others... I just happen to know about Jesus cos of where I was born and the culture of my family... Strange really... I will miss the community and support that being part of a church family provided ... and I can't quite work out what there is to replace that.... I'm sure the answers will make themselves apparent in good time. Having said that... I still go to my Bible first as a book of wisdom and guidance (before the Bhagavad Gita or Tao Meditations, etc). 2) I've been in regular consultation with Jehovah's Witnesses, they come round on a Weds and we discuss scriptures, and topical subjects with a scriptural view to finding the answers. And in conversation with my Mother on the phone, she said she disliked them coming to talk to her cos they made her feel really down after they had gone nad it takes her several days to shake it off... Now, yes, my Mother has a strong propensity for depression, and all that that entails in our family.. and yes she has no self-worth whatsever most of the time because battering it out of herself is the only way she can survive the daily home life.. and when it rears its ugly head , the disruptions and frustrations it causes are ginormous. And I suddeny thought.. When I was ill, I had real problems with an overactive (and unrealistic) Parent (in terms of Transactional Analysis - the Parent, Adult, Child model) Jehovah's Witenesses preach in a Parent - Parent way... that is their style.. the apolcalyptical stuff.. the "Ooh, isn't it terrible... " They see us all as living in this horrid sin-drenched place and are just "waiting .. for want of a better word...., for Armageddon when God is gonna come sort everything out and it will all be paradise... blah blah blah... I thought about this bit and tested it subtly this week... (sorry Guys, for using you as a psychological experiment) They would come at me Parent - Parent.. and every time I replied Adult - Adult, so they started trying to use Adult - Parent to me, and again... I replied using Aduilt- Adult.. and several times they just said they'd have to agree to differ and abrubptly changed the subject..... it was almost as if there was an air of hostility .. but not quite.. certainly one of distance... Anyway.. me and my experiments aside... When JW's call on my Mom.. they address her Parent... and if you like... activate it.. give it motivation... Now..my Mom has difficulty keeping her Parent within reason anyway.. and they give it that extra bit of energy so it starts to boil over and ta daaaa The reason my Mom feels so down after is cos her Parent (spurred on by JW's addressing it) get haughty and uncontrollable and grinds her down into the ground.. to a self-worth af none whatsoever.... When I said she had none before.. there is a negligable amount... in order to function and not give up.. but it is no more than absolutely necessary for the sustenance of existence (as opposed to sustenance of life). And then I thought of a couple of girls at school who had both said (independently) that their Mothers had joined JWs and then shortly after had a nervous breakdown... Now, I am in no way damning JW's , cos they do some marvellous work, and there are far worse head games you can be playing with people... But I think there is a certain identifiable section of society who have unstable Parents in some way .. (often indeed caused by having unstable or inconsistent parents!!) who seem to be a) more likely to "convert to JW faith" and b) more likely to suffer harm from such action. Strange old world... Anyway, Jamie is due back any minute and I have been out to the shops yet to get the garlic bread and cream... See you again soon... Current Mood: contemplative (Comment on this)
Monday, March 22nd, 2004
5:02 pm	Getting along famously... Where does this expression arise from? Jamie rang his Dad this morning for a semi-weekly (ish) check-in.. and his Dad asked how "we" were getting on.. to which Jamie replied "Oh, Anna and I are getting on famously!". Whilst I understand the context of the sentence perfectly well, I fail completely to understand why "famously", as opposed to any other adverb of positive description... oh well.... My new words for the week are alacrity and avarice.. and revision word for the week is insidious ;-) It was noted earlier that I have only been here for 20 days so far... it feels in most ways like about a year now... apart from when I look at the stuff I have yet to sort out in boxes that we have nowhere for it to go... then I am reminded of how recently I have moved in... I had a bath with Tom today... let me explain how we got to that point... It had been a grotty day all morning... and Jamie had hoped to feed the ducks today. Jamie had a post-coital nap (onset somewhat delayed) when we had picked Tom up and been to Safeway to do the shopping. During this time, I mentioned the feeding ducks activity bemoaning how the rainy weather had spoilt/cancelled our plans... so Tom asked me when the rain was going to stop... Shortly after it had stopped raining and the sun came out .. gloriously shining like it should in March.. although the wind was up to gale force proportion speeds .. So when J awoke from his slumber.. TOm asked to go feed the ducks.. which we did.. (at which point, sun had been out maybe an hour?) I sliced up some of the bread and off we went... and ducks fed, walked round the pond as a family unit.. something I still feel immensely lucky/proud (pride isn't quite right, but as close as I can get to describing in words how I feel)/whatever about.. and Jamie took TOm into the play area for a go on the swings etc.. Mean while I sneaked off round the corner to the bench and started to roll a crafty fag.. and LO! the heavens opened once more and combined with the wind.. I was pretty wet through by the time I had finished my tab.. having expected J and T to come back racing down the path towards home... They didn't.. and Tom had found a load of girls to screech and run around with .. seemed like he was having fun... so we stood a while and let him play.. and creased with laughter between us cos he was so cute the way he was copying the girls and joining in the screeching noises...(they were being "chased" round the climbing frames my a Dad's roaming hand) We walked back and I decided I was going to have a bath.. so I went in the kitchen ... put the radio on to listen to 5live - England vs Cymru!!!! On an aside.. I am quite proud of our boys' performance today... we might not have won, but to have had such a close match against the World Champions.. on the Home Ground.. (Twickenham... remember) .. man, we walked away with our dignity intact, I tell you that! Anyway, had radio on in kitchen listening to match.. Jamie had TV on in front room watching match and Tom was flitting between playing the computer in the front room and playing in the back room near me whilst I did the washing-up. Having completed the god-forsaken washing-up... (we had a take-away and there seemed just as much, if not more, to wash up than usual!!) .. I decided it was bath-time and began to run myself a bath. Tom wandered in and asked me what I was doing.. and when I said I was going to have a bath, bless him, he asked if he could come in to and stripped off immediately... so I adjusted the temperature of the water to accomodate him and we had a great game of rocket launching the soap until the bar got soggy and broke in two! Got out and put the tea on... and afte tea, J put Tom to bed as I cleared away the dinner stuff... and then J and I stripped off and went and lay in bed for 40 minutes or so... nothing sexual or owt... just cwtching up (that'll be cuddling to those Saes out there who don't know what a cwtch is!!) Got dressed again.. and J disappeared off to play guns.. and once more I have a chance to update this ere journal what I have been slacking with recently! :-p I bought the Guardian paper today and was most amused... filled with glee, infact, to read that Dasani, the "pure water" brought out recently by Coca Cola has been withdrawn and is actually nothing more than filtered tap water.... hee hee hee hee Man, the crap I could give them at a board meeting... it would be so much more sensible, not to have conceptualised that product.. let alone launched it!! Water sent all that way.. fuck me... think of the pollution caused by the freight haulage... and the cost.. and the packaging... God.. if you're that fussy that you can't drink your own tap water.. go buy a water filter for fucks' sake! (Yes.. more than one of them!) Bottled water is the biggest scam I think I will come across in my lifetime... both cos the consumer is being conned ,,, and the company producing the stuff is being conned...thinking they are doing the world a favour and making it a better place... Ecology blah rant blah... I need to get out more.. I have come to the decision that part of the reason I am not updating my journal regularly is cos I have nothig to say right now... the tension of living with my parents has removed a lot of the angst that fuelled many of my socio-political rants... and as far as what I was up to on a day to day basis... well... who wants to know what type of load I put in the washing machine or how many T-shirts I ironed today? I need to get out more.. see life and other people more... think more about people and how they interact.. I am losing my eternal source of humour by staying in ... as I have noone to watch around me and be amused by. (aprat from J but that doesn't work on the same level for sooooo many reasons!) Thinking of joining an Adult Ed course... haven't decided which type of course to go for.. but I think I want to join one that has a definite skill I can continue to use in it (as oppoesed to a crafty type one).. and I also hope that from it.. I get to meet people of a like mind who I can initially strike up some friendships with... so I think that means body panelling and car maintenence and vehicle systems diagnostics are out! LOL... Had hoped to go back to Tai Chi.. but there are no classes at convenient times... although there *IS* one Qui Gong class.... hmmm.. also considering "Introduction to Sign Language" and "Local History" and "Sage Payroll". I can't believe all these courses are free! Man, back in Brum it was about £35 a term... Ah well... Jamie has picked up a guitar , and is crucifying a song I rather like... so I might go and join in... Current Mood: accomplished (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 9th, 2004
11:51 am	Settling into a routine .. or not! OK.. I have let my frequency of entries slip to a level I am finding unacceptable. I must put "updating LJ" into my new daily routine... goodness only knows where, cos no sooner I'll sort it out if I put it during the day than I will get a job and not be in! The house is beginning to look tidy.. which I didn't think I would ever see, cos I have a wardrobe's worth (space wise) too much of stuff to be able to tuck it all away. That said, I am now going through, having unpacked everything, to sort out things that can be packed up again until we move (hopefully to a slightly bigger place?).. certainly to somewhere that has a little more kitchen space would be nice. J has abandoned me again (you can just hear the despair through my distressed sobs, can't you?? ;-) ).. being Tuesday, he disappeared off this morning with his electric guitar and changes of clothes etc.. but not only is he having his guitar and pizza night as usual tonight with Nigel, he's also staying over there on Weds night cos he has a training course on Thursday... now.. I have absolutely no right to comment on this in a moaning type way.. cos it was partly my idea he ask Nigel if he could stay the Wednesday night too... but man.. am I kicking myself now I have had an even better idea of "Why didn't I just suggest they move guitar and pizza to Weds!!!" But then .. thinking about it.. there is a parents' evening or something on the Weds which is why they are working late... I forgot about that !! DOH! Seriously though, I will miss him whilst he is away.. I am missing him already, whereas I haven't been normally during the day, only because I know he won't be home at 4, 5, 6 or whatever... strange.. On the other hand I *do* like having the time by myself, the freedom to do what you want, when you want unquestioned.. But then.. J is so laid back, I do really have that kind of freedom when he is here.. it's so nice.. I can potter about, and he sits and plays guns and we are content in the knowledge the other one is in the house somewhere (I am presuming this is mutual!) and every now and then you go and seek the other one out for a hug or just to see what they're doing or whatever.. It strikes me how different it is to what it was like with Ceri, where I would try to be like that and he would either come and ask me to sit beside him and watch TV with him, (no active conversation or owt) or if I went out to babysit or pottered randomly around the house, he would complain he never got to see me or spend time with me.. I had to be in the same room. Maybe that is why everything seemed perfect for a while.. because for the first few months until he moved into my 2 bedroom flat, we spent more time at his (it being a 5 min walk to uni for me for my lectures, and closer to town if we went out). At his .. the bedsit, where you were in the same room all the time, cos that's all there was! I suppose he was used to that cos he and Donna had lived in a studio flat and above the pub, which both had just the one room. Hmm.. personal space is a strange thing.. I spoke to Sarah Maguire on the telephone at great length yesterday. It was good to talk to her and not feel rushed, like so often happens when I am about to go out or dinner is to be served or whatever.. oooh, we laughed... "Tell you what.. I'll have the camel and you have the hump!" was the sentence that set me off.. if you are in the vaguest way interested! We swapped news on Zara and Becky, some friends of ours, and Sarah updated me on how she was getting on with the dissertation... I am hoping we will get to see her at some point... If Jaitch and I do take Tom camping to the Gower, it would be lovely if we can coincide it with one of Sarah's visits, and she could come to the beach with us for a day/half day.. paddling and exploring rock pools.. I just hope she wouldn't go off onto a rant about the monsters living in the rock pools that might come out and suck you in and eat you all up.. cos that would frighten Tom , bless him, and he'd never go near one again... Of all the Mr Men DVDs, it's Mr Greedy he always asked to be fast forwarded cos he gets scared of the giant... doens't like giants.... so I suppose Jack and the Beanstalk is out of the question in panto season then! I am missing being at work, I am not missing the people as much as I thought I would, although there are moments when I think something, and want to share it with Richard, who I sat next to.. I am hoping everyone is OK there, and that I haven't left too big a gap .. I am sure they will cope.. but I still feel a little raw (guilt conscience wise) when I think about the suddenness with which this move was decided and organised and how I had gone from thinking about my position in Powergen this time next year on the Friday.. to Handing my notice in to finish ASAP on the Tuesday when I got back. Ahh well.. time will heal these things.. Current Mood: solitary (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, March 4th, 2004
7:51 pm	Settling in, wearing down I'm beginning to run out of energy... Still sorting out the house. It really is a good job that J cares not a jot about placement of objects in the house, as I have come in and completely rearranged the place! Just the books and the craft stuff to go at the moment.. God only knows where I am going to keep the craft stuff ... I don't think I could bear to throw it all away. I am developing sores on the palms of my hands from screwing screws into wood, so I did another one and a half bookcases today.. only one and a half to go! Clothes are away.. apart from the ones that had been in my parents' garage for 8 months.. they stink of petrol fumes and oil and garagey smells.. I am going to have to wash the lot... As far as rants are concerned.. I haven't been thinking of anything other than J and organising the house. J is taking up so much of my mind at the moment, whilst I am adjusting to the new living arrangements... it's not a bad thing.. but I am certainly unused to spending even half this time thinking of one person in particular. I've started looking for work.. there's not a lot.. but I shall look in the local paper tonight.. the woman in the paper shop said tonight was jobs night. Right, I am off for a bath and to read some maths... beginning to have quite severe withdrawal symptoms. Current Mood: drained (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 2nd, 2004
9:39 pm	Personal Space at last! Well, here I am.. Gateshead be warned! I drove up in the van on Saturday, having emptied my storage unit of all my stuff. Unloaded half of it.. went to bed shattered at 9pm. Got up SUnday morning, unloaded the rest of it in batches interspersed with cups of tea and hugs and Jamie giving Tom some attention. Drove back to Birmingham, and went out for dinner with Mom and Dad and the twins, Stephen and David. Monday morning, got up .. took the van back and loaded the car with the last few bits from Adrian's room at M&D's where I had been living for the last eight months. And drove back to Newcastle.. via a call in at the faery queen's house, to drop off the holiday money I owed. Unfortunately, I didn't make it back before J, let alone in time to put a casserole on whilst I start to organise stuff around the house.. so we got a take away Indian (Last Days of the Raj.. again!) and collapsed into bed shortly after. This morning I was woken by Jamie shushing me at half past four, as I was singing/humming in my sleep the tune to "Father God I wonder" by Ian Smale. Lovely tune, but goodness only knows what I was dreaming about that neccesitated me humming it out loud in my sleep! 6am came, and Jamie got up to go to work, and took also a change of clothes and his guitar.. Tonight he is staying at his mate's house, Nigel, a colleague at school.. also an ICT teacher I believe. Nigel has recently taken up the guitar and J goes afterschool on a Tuesday and gives him "lessons" which seems to take the form of eat loads (pizza or pasta bake lovingly prepared by Nigel's gf), murder some Dire Straits songs.. and drink a few whiskeys. It appears this is going to be a regular thing, so I will have Tuesdays to myself !! (YAy!) Anyway, he left at 7am .. me having got here late last night, and it was like "Right.. see you Weds night then!" which on one hand is kind of strange.. me getting here and then J isn't here almost straight away.. and then on the other hand .. cos I am used to only seeing him three max nights a week, it's OK... and on the other hand (I have at least 3 hands... don't you?) As I said in an email to a friend this evening.. it is so long since I have had proper "in the flat on my own" personal space.. it is lovely beyond words. Not really since leaving Swansea.. I mean,.. in Oxford yeah kind of.. but as soon as I left my room it was communal space.. this is a whole living environment.. I could walk round naked! I've worked my arse off today mind.. I went back to bed after J left for work.. and got up about half 11.. with a blinding headache.. I sat on the back step for half an hour waiting for the paracetamol to kick in.. and then it did... so I got down to work... I reckon I've done maybe six and a half hours work today.. of unpacking and sorting and tidying and rearranging furniture and the likes... THen maybe another two hours of cooking and washing up and sorting bins out and just looking at rooms and furniture and planning how best to rearrange the rooms I haven't yet done. I can't really do much more until I go and buy some bookshelves from IKEA, as so much of my stuff is books! So tomorrow's jobs are, in no order of priority or anything.. 1) Buy bookshelves 2) Assemble bookshelves 3) Tidy living room 4) Assemble computer cupboard 5) Assemble computer 6) Rearrange living room (J beware! I have plans!) 7) Put a load of washing on (or two!) 8) Wash all the unwrapped (from newspaper) kitchen stuff piled up in the kitchen 9) Cook a hearty and nutritious meal for J's return from work in the evening. 10) Take all the cardboard boxes to the tip (if I can remember the way!) So, all in all, enough to keep me busy! :-) If I get all that done, I am going to have a bottle of wine with dinner to celebrate. (Last of the hard-core party animals that I am!) And now, for my next trick, I am off to bed! Current Mood: accomplished (Comment on this)